Gangly Thoughts

FYI this is mw first attempt to post from my phone so apologies if this is abrupt or filld with typos.
I wanted to assure everyone that I have returned to the land of the semi-sane. Which doesn’t Mean that I’m not an asshole but I am not as big an ass as I felt last week. It’s amazing how rain and stress can overwhelm ones critical thinking
So updates:
1) I survived, as did our house, the bday sleepover party last Friday of bb and six of his friends. Conclusion: sleepovers are pretty easy for 8 year olds. They entertain themselves
2) holy cow i have an 8 year old
3) I survived my first oral argument in six years. We will probably lose but because of the law not my performance

A blog I’ve been reading lately has this nice little piece on forgiveness.  http://www.happinessinthisworld.com/2009/10/25/how-to-forgive-others/#  And I think that part of my problem of feeling like an asshole is that I don’t know how to forgive myself for my own transgressions. 

But also, that as discussed in the piece, it can be hard to forgive others if there has been no apology.  I have in-laws that need to apologize to me and mr. jolt.  But it’s not going to happen.  And the fact that I know that it’s not going to happen makes me as angry, if not angrier, than the original transgression.

Anyway, I have other happier stuff to post about, which I will shortly. 

So I’ve been having a pity party for myself and the stark truth that I am an asshole. How do I know I’m an asshole? To wit, the following:

1) I stuck my foot in my mouth at bookgroup earlier this week (and got called on it). Which means not only am I an asshole who knows I’m an asshole, but other people have recognized this unfortunate truth as well. This is hard to live with.  The fact that I’m focused on this self-realization as opposed to the victim of my foot-in-mouthedness is further proof of my assholery. 

2) I ask questions of mr. jolt that he can’t answer because I can’t ask them of the relatives to whom I’d really like to say WTF?!?!?!?! If you are wondering why this makes me an asshole, trust me, I am.  If for no other reason than the fact that I got NOTHING done at work today because of my inability to compartmentalize my “emotional life” from my “work life” and the fact that I can’t decide who is a bigger asshole, me, mr. jolt, or the relatives at issue and that this question has consumed far too much of my time.  Trust me, when its a competition about who is a bigger asshole, nobody wins.

3) We started watching season 2 of the wire (yes, we are behind on our tv series watching).  And it is far more depressing than the first season.   Largely because there seem to be a vast number of stupid assholes that are the non-cop characters in season 2.  To which I say, if I have to be an asshole, I hope that I can be a smart asshole and not a stupid one.  I don’t think I could bear it if I became a stupid asshole.

4)  I made a list the other day, in the vein of the serenity prayer, of all the things I can control in my life right now, and all the things I can’t.  And came to the conclusion that I seem to be unable to control the fact that I am an asshole.  But I’ll work on it.  I promise.