I have a decent job.  It’s not exciting, but the pay is decent, usually,* and it’s got good benefits.  But I have been bored, bored, bored.  So I’ve been poking around, not seriously, because a) massive unemployment out there already; and b) no good jobs in my area (most local employers have  hiring freeze).  So I poked around on the internet and saw a job posting.  It’s been up for a while, but it’s still up so I’m thinking the job may still be open.  It’s in an area of law that was an early and strong interest of mine in law school and would allow me to become, almost overnight, a virtual expert in the area, more so than I was when I was actively researching it, because I would be advising people on this one area of statutes/regulations.  The pay is much, much better than what I currently make.  The benefits – hell, its with the feds, so decent healthcare.

Problem: it’s in a city two hours away.  A city that while it could be interesting and mr. jolt could probably find a job in (there are mucho schools there), it would require a radical lifestyle shift that I’m not sure I want or can afford.  To live in that city the way I live here would require FAR more than the jump in salary I would get.  It would require mr. jolt to get a serious jump in salary, too.  A jump that frankly, isn’t realistic.  And it would require the boys to leave a phenomenal school that nurtures and challenges them.  It would require us to return to a type of life that was one of the reasons we came here.

I just can’t do it.  And it makes me crazy.  Because whenever I think about making a move somewhere the first thing that comes to mind is all the reasons why it wouldn’t work.  When the hell did I get so negative and inertia-filled?  When mr. jolt hears of an opportunity he immediately starts thinking about all the advantages, and is often completely blind to major deficiencies for a good period of time.  Part of that is confidence, I suppose.  Part of it, I think, is the difference between someone who has never had to question his place in the world and the need/desire for fulfilling work and his ability to obtain it.

It’s funny. When I started my current job and was amazed at the differences between it and my last job (bosses and clients who appreciate me -wow!; bosses who don’t play bipolar mind games with me – wow!) I had been out of work for six months.  My prior job eviscerated my self-confidence in several ways and the first few years here allowed me to build it back up.  Which was great.  But I’m realizing that I somehow stepped onto a side path and don’t know how to get off.  My job isn’t even that great for having kids (although its a lot better than private practice).

 I have never ever liked uncertainty (few do, I suppose).  But my fear of the unknown devil has always deterred me from taking sufficient steps to walk away from the devil I know. I stayed at my prior job well past the point that was healthy for me.  I think I may be entering a similar stage in my current job. But is it any coincidence that my desire for something new now has only grown the worse the economy has gotten and the less likely it’s become that I could actually achieve it? 

When we moved here it was on the assumption that we would be moving in several years to somewhere “even better” wherever that might be.  So I didn’t worry too much about my job because it was supposed to be short term.  But we’re here and it is a total crapshoot as to when we will ever “move on.”  And while I was marking time assuming we would soon move somewhere with better opportunities, the economy went south so even the opportunities here have disappeared.

In a way, I feel like I’m acting like LB.  Sometimes LB gets really upset when he doesn’t get what he wants.  We’ll tell him he has choices A or B.  He’ll tell us he doesn’t like those choices and that our choices are to let him do whatever it is he wants to do or he will [fill in inappropriate activity here].  And it sucks, being a kid, not liking the choices your parents have offered you.  It sucks, being an adult, not liking the choices before you and not knowing how to find new ones.  Sometimes, talking things through with LB (when he’s willing to listen) we figure out other choices or compromises.  I just wish I knew how to create or find better choices for myself.

 

*Usually.  Except I may not get paid in July.  But I still have to work in the hopes that they’ll get their shit together soon and make it up to me in August.

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