Writing while dealing with it

In recently reading a series of intensely personal posts on another blog (which I won’t link to b/c they are password protected) it occurred to me what courage and strength it takes to write, in detail, about an active personal problem: a problem one hasn’t yet found the solution for.  I’m not talking about the 3 sentence ‘can you believe what happened to me today’ post, but the in-depth, holy frijoles, this is what I’m going through and I don’t know how to get out of this spot type of piece.

Is it because we are conditioned by op-eds  and feature articles that not only complain, but provide solutions (at least the better ones do)?  Perhaps.  I think also we don’t want to admit when we feel like a failure, which is what the most complex problems, particularly those we have little control to fix, create in us.  And we don’t want to whine.  Well, maybe a little.  But we’re generally only going to whine in an amusingly snarky fashion that distances ourself from the problem and its causes. 

For instance, BB has a quasi-medical thing that has some pretty embarrassing side effects.  It’s fixable, but its taking a LONG LONG time to fix.  A week ago, there was a Positive Event that had BB, mr. jolt & I celebrating.   I was so hopeful that progress would move forward from there, but like many things that are medical/behavioral, it’s not that easy.  Yet that night, I imagined forward about the self-congratulatory blog post I would write, full of advice for parents dealing with the same issue and how we ‘overcame’ it.*  But I can’t write that post yet.   (not sure I ever will given privacy issues).  But I thought it was illuminating that something I’d never considered writing about (and until recently basically didn’t talk about) suddenly became a ‘writable’ subject once I thought success was within our grasp. 

I dunno.  Maybe its just me and my own inability to get out of my own way when trying to write.

*I now, of course, blame myself for ‘jinxing’ further progress for even thinking we were done.

 

The things people take pride in

Seen on a license plate on the way to work:

IGNRNT 1

Um, ok.  Not something I’d brag about, but to each their own.

 

Life v. life

I have a decent job.  It’s not exciting, but the pay is decent, usually,* and it’s got good benefits.  But I have been bored, bored, bored.  So I’ve been poking around, not seriously, because a) massive unemployment out there already; and b) no good jobs in my area (most local employers have  hiring freeze).  So I poked around on the internet and saw a job posting.  It’s been up for a while, but it’s still up so I’m thinking the job may still be open.  It’s in an area of law that was an early and strong interest of mine in law school and would allow me to become, almost overnight, a virtual expert in the area, more so than I was when I was actively researching it, because I would be advising people on this one area of statutes/regulations.  The pay is much, much better than what I currently make.  The benefits – hell, its with the feds, so decent healthcare.

Problem: it’s in a city two hours away.  A city that while it could be interesting and mr. jolt could probably find a job in (there are mucho schools there), it would require a radical lifestyle shift that I’m not sure I want or can afford.  To live in that city the way I live here would require FAR more than the jump in salary I would get.  It would require mr. jolt to get a serious jump in salary, too.  A jump that frankly, isn’t realistic.  And it would require the boys to leave a phenomenal school that nurtures and challenges them.  It would require us to return to a type of life that was one of the reasons we came here.

I just can’t do it.  And it makes me crazy.  Because whenever I think about making a move somewhere the first thing that comes to mind is all the reasons why it wouldn’t work.  When the hell did I get so negative and inertia-filled?  When mr. jolt hears of an opportunity he immediately starts thinking about all the advantages, and is often completely blind to major deficiencies for a good period of time.  Part of that is confidence, I suppose.  Part of it, I think, is the difference between someone who has never had to question his place in the world and the need/desire for fulfilling work and his ability to obtain it.

It’s funny. When I started my current job and was amazed at the differences between it and my last job (bosses and clients who appreciate me -wow!; bosses who don’t play bipolar mind games with me – wow!) I had been out of work for six months.  My prior job eviscerated my self-confidence in several ways and the first few years here allowed me to build it back up.  Which was great.  But I’m realizing that I somehow stepped onto a side path and don’t know how to get off.  My job isn’t even that great for having kids (although its a lot better than private practice).

 I have never ever liked uncertainty (few do, I suppose).  But my fear of the unknown devil has always deterred me from taking sufficient steps to walk away from the devil I know. I stayed at my prior job well past the point that was healthy for me.  I think I may be entering a similar stage in my current job. But is it any coincidence that my desire for something new now has only grown the worse the economy has gotten and the less likely it’s become that I could actually achieve it? 

When we moved here it was on the assumption that we would be moving in several years to somewhere “even better” wherever that might be.  So I didn’t worry too much about my job because it was supposed to be short term.  But we’re here and it is a total crapshoot as to when we will ever “move on.”  And while I was marking time assuming we would soon move somewhere with better opportunities, the economy went south so even the opportunities here have disappeared.

In a way, I feel like I’m acting like LB.  Sometimes LB gets really upset when he doesn’t get what he wants.  We’ll tell him he has choices A or B.  He’ll tell us he doesn’t like those choices and that our choices are to let him do whatever it is he wants to do or he will [fill in inappropriate activity here].  And it sucks, being a kid, not liking the choices your parents have offered you.  It sucks, being an adult, not liking the choices before you and not knowing how to find new ones.  Sometimes, talking things through with LB (when he’s willing to listen) we figure out other choices or compromises.  I just wish I knew how to create or find better choices for myself.

 

*Usually.  Except I may not get paid in July.  But I still have to work in the hopes that they’ll get their shit together soon and make it up to me in August.

 

Thankful Thursdays

 Today I am thankful for the fact that BB still lets me kiss him.  Even when I drop him off at camp (although we were early today so there weren’t any bigger kids out front). 

 I know from friends with older kids that this is likely to end soon, so I’m going to treasure it as long as it lasts.  He will be eight – EIGHT – this fall so we will see.

 

Hilarious

Can’t get it to embed, so here’s the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVFdAJRVm94

 

 

 

Bad idea

  According to this NYT article, some geothermal company is planning to dig deep into Northern California earthquake country to access geothermal energy.  Sounds green, low emissions, great, right?  Except said company failed to disclose that similar technology tried in Switzerland caused earthquakes.  Add that to an already quaky area and you’ve got trouble.

 

Cool

I got confirmation today that as a member of my office building’s evacuation  team, I get to take “fire extinguisher training”.  We get to practice using those ginormous fire extinguishers that the real firefighters use, putting out real fires (okay, it’s a fire in a barrel, but still).  I’ve seen these lessons when walking by and they look really fun.

I’m totally psyched and my kids will be totally jealous.  I will update later this week with my insider’s report on how a vertically-challenged attorney handles the “almost as big as me” extinguisher that is normally controlled by majorly buff big dudes.  My goal: to avoid burning off my eyebrows.  Another bonus: I think I get to wear jeans to work. 

Given the state of the world these days I will take these small excitements where I find them.

 

Holy shit

I am without words at this report via womanist musings about a guest on fox radio openly stating he is praying for the death of the president:

http://www.womanist-musings.com/2009/06/pastor-drake-prays-for-obamas-death-on.html

 

I cannot believe that Fox is giving this airplay.  I mean, this takes it to a whole new level of hate and wrong and more.  I’d say more now, but I shouldn’t even be online at this time of day.

 

Further on the appalling incident of some weeks ago

It appears, sadly, that the incident a few weeks ago is part of a larger problem with LB’s behavior that has been on & off this past year, escalating in the last few weeks.  In other words, it was a verbal form of other bad choices he is making in other contexts.  So, we will be dealing with that going forward with some expert assistance.   While I am still not happy, putting his verbal nastiness into the context of other behavior that is equally anti-social gives me some hope that it can be addressed with other larger socialization stuff while I, in the background, also try to emphasize positive non-judgmental, respectful ways of viewing the people around him.

Wish us luck.  I tell ya, I never really knew what heartsick meant until I had kids.

 

Thankful Thursdays: Camping edition

As we’ve done for the last several years, we went cabin camping with some old friends over the weekend.  Some of them couldn’t make it due to sick kids, but we still managed to have a good time.  We’re hoping all the kids will recover quickly.  My thanks are for:

1) Good friends who enjoy food – making & eating.  The cabin we stay in is the trail crew’s and has a semi-decent kitchen.  Steak with chimichurri sauce, cookies (batter made ahead of time), waffles, french toast, wine, beer, etc., etc.  Yeah, it’s not really camping, but it’s fun.

2) Our new canoe!  mr. jolt says to me a week ago Sunday, “I think I may buy a canoe tomorrow.”  And he did, with a little money from an annuity we inherited from his mom.  It’s a wide canoe with three seats – padded!  And under the middle seat is a dry box.  It also has cupholders, which I think is absurd for a canoe, but maybe not if you are parked for hours fishing, which mr. jolt could easily do.  mr. jolt actually caught a couple of fish while we were camping and we ate them for dinner: large-mouth bass and pickerel.  Yum!

3) Rain.  A new family (new to me anyway) joined us this year to fill in the gap when some others couldn’t make it.  I was out for a walk with the mom on what we intended to be a short jaunt, but then we decided to follow a trail I’d taken a few times, which I remembered as about 2 miles, but was probably closer to 3.5.  Anyway, we’re about halfway along and have almost finished climbing to the top of a ridge (this part of the trail is actually a section of the Appalachian trail) to see a view of about half dozen counties when I notice the clouds.  I said, “Gee, I hope it doesn’t rain.”  It did.  It thundered loudly (fortunately, we were soon under the canopy and not exposed as we were out on the ridge).  It rained harder and harder.  It got to the point where my shirt was so wet it felt wetter than water.  If I hadn’t had a baseball hat on I would’ve needed windshield wipers for my eyes.  But, it wasn’t annoying.  It was exhilirating.  If it had been a longer walk, perhaps I would have felt differently, but being absolutely drenched, walking down a path that has become a river down a moutainside is a phenomenal experience, particularly when you know that a beer and dry clothes are only a mile away.